I had a tough week last week. I had to go to Redding Monday and Tuesday, on Wednesday and Thursday my most sound operational branch didn't do so hot in an internal review, and Friday since finding out the results of the review I haven't been able to snap out of the funk I'm in. This all coupled with the fact that I feel my life will never be in order again, I feel like I'm falling into a dark place. I can admit I've never loved people, but I think now I don't even have the ability to fake it. I have no patience, no understanding, and it just keeps getting worse. I pray and plead with God more now than I did in the past. I recognize the sin more and feel it's controlling my life.
So last night I asked God to give me this morning as a refreshing time with Him to start over. And, besides the mosquito flying around in my living room, I'm able to have a quiet time in the Word. 1 Corinthians 3:18-23 is a weird way to gain some peace about the last week, but it's what is next in my study and all parts of God's Word are important. This passage starts out, "Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise." Although I don't think I will get a commentary book deal for the way I'm about to apply this to me situation, I think there is some correlation. I believe I'm good at my job. I think of myself as a knowledgeable and efficient employee who makes good decisions in how to perform my tasks. But, this weak performance has taken a lot of the arrogant wind out of my sails. As the "best" operations employee in the district I'm in, I just showed I don't have it all figured out.
I know that God is not pleased with my life. I know that my claim to Christianity is a Sunday morning thing, and that I do no bring glory to the name of God on a regular basis, if ever. I think my job became a source of pride for me and a place where I felt I had things "figured out." But the wisdom of the world is folly to God. Although I don't consider myself wise, I think I thought of myself as really knowledgeable about how to run a branch. And now I think that God is trying to remind me that my pride is in the things of men not the things of God. It is important to work hard and be the best at what we do because it shows we have integrity and we are not lazy, but in the end, our work achievements have no baring on our Spiritual health. We need to be proud to say was we children of God and shine the bright light of salvation in what we do. Our source of pride should come from our relationship with the almighty God. Focus on God. Let the concerns of this world pass by.
Although I'm still really disappointed (and I have to face my boss today and feel like I let her down), I am going to try and focus on things that matter. I am going to work hard at not hating the people who do not do their jobs correctly. I'm going to work on patience and love. I will find a way to stay quieter and calmer than I usually do. I will not get frustrated. I sound like Stuart Smalley with daily affirmations right now. I'm not looking in a mirror though.
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